


Last Flower

by Laurelinde



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Letters, Sad, old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-11
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-03-22 10:12:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3725035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurelinde/pseuds/Laurelinde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warden Cousland's letter to Alistair before the Battle of Denerim.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Last Flower

Alistair,

I think from the very moment I saw you, being chided by that mage back at Ostagar, your face has been ever in my heart, your name ever on my lips. The horror of that night at Castle Cousland overwhelmed me. My strong mother, my kind father, my nephew and his mother, so young, so innocent. All gone. I desperately wished to find my brother, and yet I dreaded it, to have to tell him that his world, too, was ended. Part of me hoped he too was gone, and that all my life till then would pass to nothingness and fade from memory. The encampment, Duncan's words, the Joining: everything else there felt like a bad dream. But you were the stray sunbeam piercing that dark fog; your warmth, your humour, your inescapable goodness won my heart before I realised it was even possible. And so through the nightmares that awaited us, we clung to each other as shipwrecked mariners to a perilous rock, waiting for the tempest to calm.

I had never thought of love, until that day; since then, I have thought of little else. Truth be told, I shunned romance and all 'ladylike' pursuits, dreaming rather of becoming a renowned bard, a mighty warrior queen of my people. But to know you is to love you, and from that moment when first our eyes met my whole purpose has been to meet your approval, to earn your respect, your admiration…perhaps even your love. I am not so noble as you think me, Alistair, for I am enslaved to your will, and through all that we have done I have thought only of how you would regard me. I care not for Morrigan's scorn, Sten's bewilderment, Zevran's flattery; but to lose my place in your eyes would be unbearable. 

You will make a fine king, Alistair. I can see you now, resplendent in your armour, leading the Landsmeet to peace, for a time. Your wisdom and compassion will serve the land as well as it has served you. And for awhile, I dreamed of being at your side. But we are Grey Wardens, and there is no happy ending for us. I cannot ask you to betray me, to do something you would find so abhorrent. And I cannot condone the creation of a soul merely to sacrifice it to the Archdemon, for a few years with you. My love is greater than this now, and I will not spoil you for my own selfish happiness. 

I am sorry that I could not say goodbye to you. But I know you would try to take my place, and I cannot allow that. You have a duty to do, and I…I am but the last flower of a withered tree. When these petals have fallen, there will be no mourning as the roots are turned back to the soil.

I shall not go back to Orzammar. I do not know if anything shall remain of me for you to keep in my memory. But know that you have had my heart, my soul, my thought, my breath and my being since first I caught your glance. You have my life, Alistair; I can give you nothing more.

May the Maker watch over you and grant you peace.

With all my love, from now past the end of the Fade,

Laurelinde Cousland

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back when Origins was released just to work out some of the...grief, almost, I felt about the ending of the game. Asking Alistair to go through with the Dark Ritual when it was so abhorrent to him for so many reasons felt impossible, but leaving him to rule Ferelden alone and for Cousland to never be reunited with Alistair or her family even after death felt just as wrong. I played my Cousland as a fierce warrior-bard but also a pure, selfless hero. I could not bring myself to 'harden' Alistair even though I wondered if it mightn't be prudent, because the words "Everyone is out for themselves" would have been a lie coming from her mouth, she who had spent the last year putting her life on the line time and again for the good of others.
> 
> After everything she went through with her family, with the Wardens, with Ostagar, with all of it, to have her fate left with those two awful choices was just gut-wrenching for me. She deserved better, and part of me is still lost and undecided on what the 'right' outcome for her was. My gut instinct was always that she would have made the ultimate sacrifice, but I've never been able to make myself play through it - I get to the goodbyes and then _the dog knows,_ he knows you're not coming back and it breaks me and I have to leave the game. Then there's the metagaming matter of what would have happened had I not been spoilered on the fact that Alistair takes the last blow for you if he's with you fighting the archdemon; he was my primary tank for the playthrough so I probably would have had him there. Ugh. Hence, this letter, which didn't even feel like roleplaying to write because I was feeling every word in real life.
> 
> Anyway having re-read this today it is considerably cheesier and more terrible than I remember and I don't even know why I'm posting it but whatever, here it is. I also want to change my canon Cousland's name but I'm not sure to what.
> 
> (If this makes you feel sad, it may help to know that so far I've stuck with 'she trusted Morrigan enough to have their best interests at heart and Alistair went ahead with the ritual of his own volition because he, too, was willing to make sacrifices to stay with her; and now they rule Ferelden happily (go away, canon) and their precious mabari Howl has adorable puppies with Hawke's mabari, Biscuit, and everyone will live happily ever after SO HELP ME, GAIDER/WEEKES.) *cough*
> 
> My sanity deserted me long ago, I'm afraid, if I ever had any.


End file.
